Garden of Sastra

.:Absolut Innocence...:.

I am not evil, the voice said. Love me. Embrace me. I will give you joy beyond your wildest imagination. I am your gateway to a heaven known only to few, but remember, those elite few will have the chance of their lifetime to journey to a place far a beyond, the first step towards a relative eternal bliss.

Such was the beautiful lure and the sweet, evil trap of ethanol, chemically known as grain alcohol (Compound - C2H6O) and typically contained in commercially available brands such as Absolut, Chivas Regal, Johnny Walker, Jack Daniels, and even Carlsberg or Heinekken.

You may indulge just as it is (neat), with ice (on the rocks) or mixed with other drinks (cocktails). You may do shots, double shots, or even triple shots. For some, you may take them while they're burning (Flamin Lamborghini), you may take them after slamming them down for effect (tequila pop), and for the truly brave, you take 5 of the worst downers (heavy stuffs - tequila, vodka, whisky, rum and gin), mix em with Stout and coke, and you have the ultimate killer (the appropriately named Graveyard). Drink this mother of all drinks shots with 5 glasses in a row, you will die of ethanol poisoning within 60 minutes if not treated.

But I'm not evil, the voice said. Ethanol is not evil. I can bring you happiness. I am the only friend you'll ever need. I will never leave your side. I love you. You will learn to love me, child. With time, you will learn to depend on me. After that, we will be one. Yessssss... come child. Join me.

Summary of personal experience from unification with ethanol:

1 Glass - You feel absolutely no effect, and you started cursing the drink for being too thin, under bad quality control or in the case of a city like Kuching, you blame the owner of the pub for serving you smuggled drinks from Labuan.

2 Glasses - Standard Freudian rule of binging dictates you will go straight to your 3rd Glass after this one.

3 Glasses - Slight dizzyness, you started feeling a small pinch of elation. You smile a lot more, and start laughing at jokes which weren't supposed to be funny.

4-6 Glasses - You started laughing at everything, even when your friend told you his grandma just passsed away. And you started thinking about asking him what took the old hag that long to kick the bucket anyway. But you are not high enough to actually ask that... yet.

7-9 Glasses - Euphoria. You looked around and you noticed 2 very interesting observation which you did not noticed earlier on:
i) the places just got much much darker as compared to when you first entered
ii)the ugly jerk/bitch that sits across from you at the bar seems sooooooo much better looking as compared to when you first seen him/her during your 1st or 2nd glass.

10-12 Glasses - You started sluring in your words, and you hear a lot of "What were u saying?", "HUH?", "What's that?" etc from your mates. You begin to have horny thoughts.

13-15 Glasses - You started regretting you had so much a drink, but has absolutely no desire to stop. You started swearing at your mates for making you drink so much just to make your self-conscience feel less guilty.

16-20 Glasses - This is the stage of "Long Line Syndrome" where everytime you go to the washroom, there seem to be a line of 2 million people in front of you. Your bladder feels like a nuke with the fuse tickling down... tik tok tik tok tik tok....

21-25 Glasses - Nirvana. You will have problems locating the toilet, remembering faces, walking and you started saying "Hi" and smiling like an idiot to everbody you meet.

26-30 Glasses - Higher Nirvana. Suddenly you noticed EVERYBODY of the opposite sex in your vicinity looks so much like Tara Reid, Britney Spears or Tata Young. You get REALLY horny, and would practically shag the next available object. You also started to notice there were much less people around you as compared to when you first came in the place.

31-38 Glasses - At this stage, the ethanol in your system is enough to kill a cow if injected directly into the arteries, and preserve the carcass from rotting for the next 1 week or so. In fact, you cannot see things properly, you fail to recognise the faces of your mates, and your head feels like it is about to explode. Many of you would have puked about twice during this transitional stage from the living to the dead.

39-48 glasses - You reached the stage where you do not care whether you get rammed over by a bus, just as long as the throbbing in your head could stop. Your movements are now limited to that of your eyelids, your head, and occasionally your fingers.

49-50 glasses - Medically, you would be certified as non-living if it were not for your heart beating. Your primary brain activities ceased to exist, and your secondary brain functions (if any) degrades you to the equal mental capabilities of a paramecium or amoeba.

51 and beyond - Your friend is back again ....

Loveeeee me child ... yes .... yes .. my prreeecciiouuuuuussss child. I am your friendddd... I am your ONLY friend... They have all deserted you child.. DESERTED YOU! They carried you to this couch... and left you alllll alone.... But do not worry, for I am here child. I am not evil. I am YOUR friend .... yesssssss... my preciousssssssss....

posted by Leon @ 4:42 PM